The art of the apology letter has departed from this world, because, of course, people don’t actually apologize to each other anymore for fear of being sued. I wish to revive the apology letter, as I frequently have to apologize for my poor behavior.
The form is as follows: firstly, lay out in broad, abstract terms exactly why you are apologizing. Then get into the specific instances of bad behavior. Include any and every injured party. Then get into the actual apology. Be very complimentary. Lastly, end with how you wish everything could be different. Include a specific example of something you wish you could do, and a reminder to the injured parties that they are known as forgiving people.
Here’s an example of an apology letter from a poker night that I disrupted:
Dearest Ladies of the Table,
I hazily recall that my behavior last night was gauche, crude, inappropriate, and lacking in the niceties that constitute proper and civil conversation.
The specifics of my shameful conduct escape me, but through eye-witness testimony I am aware of the following:
-That I repeatedly mouthed the catch phrase "You're so lame, Chelsea"
- That I scorned the etiquette of the cards game
-That I plied myself with most unholy libations of many make and variety
-That I spilled a very special tonic (concocted by the lady of the house!) onto the lap of the poor gentleman whose unlucky fate situated him next to such a piggish oaf (me)
-That my language was exceptionally cruel and foul
-That I set a bad example for the other gentleman at the table (who no doubt look to me as a kind of role model due to the fact that my LEGAL marriage has lasted the longest) by using licorice as a whipping tool to annoy my wife, who I accused of “not letting me win at cards even though I lent her five bucks.”
Ladies, I am usually an honest, peaceful man, not given to fits of denigrating language or behavior.
I can only conclude that at some point in the night I was drugged with a kind of aggravating steroid (I have certain but unfortunately un-provable suspicions about this incident).
Chelsea, you are not lame, you are in truth strong and wonderful. Amanda, I regret accusing you of operating a racketeering ring out of your kitchen, for in truth you are exceedingly honest and forthright. The money I lost was due to my own poor decisions at cards, not from a pre-meditated scheme of collusion between you and your partner Glen. I regret so much in my life, but this most of all: that at the end of the night I was not able to order you Sarpino's pizza with the winnings of the pot. I hope this message of apology finds you both in forgiving spirits.
Sincerely, Carey
